Thick & Thin


It is difficult to trust in uncertain times.

Trust Life. Trust the Process. Trust Spirit. Trust Higher Power. Trust that it will all work out.

There’s many dimensions and layers of trust, and yet it all melts down to the same core truth- either we trust that things are moving towards our own good and wellness, or we don’t.

At least that’s how it translates in my mind as I come back round to the question of: “Well girl, do you believe the universe has your back or not?” Because that answer makes all the different in my mental and emotional state and how I go about my days.

I write these words as my sweet dog Sam is laboring to breathe next to me. He has cancer, and though we were told he has about 6 months left, and he’s been having more good days than bad, thanks to the medications he is on – – this is one of the bad days.

All the plans I had for today have been deferred to just be present with him, watch over him, and be available for care.

This news has come during a rocky season in life. Not rocky bad per say, but not rocky road ice-cream awesome either. Just rocky in the sense that I’ve been in a change cycle since moving to Kauai almost a year ago. Almost everything has been in flux.

So many questions still unanswered. I’m still waiting for pieces to come together as I look to my own future and try and piecemeal a new path as a writer, healer, artist, teacher, and perhaps something else I don’t quite have words or vision for yet.

And since we’ve been on the island, my husband’s job search was tougher than tough, and the resulting job has also been tougher than tough – – so he’s trying to piece himself together too.

And somewhere in the middle of that, the news of Sam’s cancer emerged and our family is working through anticipatory loss and grief. I’m left wondering what I’ll do without my sweet old Sam, even as I know that everything has a time and a season.

Especially old dogs.

It is difficult to trust in uncertain times.

These are the times that pull at what is most human in us and what is most vulnerable.

These are the times where our “tough feeling” buttons get pushed; and emotions like discouragement, sadness, doubt, fear, and anxiety all come parading into our inner domains, creating a mess, trying to rearrange the furniture as they see fit.

It takes a lot of grounding not to let them run the show.

It takes a lot of emotional courage to examine what those parts of ourselves have to say, where those feelings are coming from, and to acknowledge and make space for them.

And it takes a lot of trust to breathe deep and find what we need to override their cacophony, finding our heart center and stillness in the swirl.

It is difficult to trust in uncertain times.

Life happens to us all- experiences that run the gambit from beautiful to why is this happening, and it just seems to be part and parcel of the whole deal of being human and being here.

I try and remember that things aren’t always what they seem: beautiful things can come from awful things and things that seemed beautiful sometimes don’t work out so good. And we learn and grow and experience and reach and stretch and grow some more as we go through it all and do life.

Trusting can be hard, and I offer no easy solution, as each of us is navigating our own relationship with life and that’s something we can only work out on our own. But as for me, it keeps coming back to a sticking point – – either I believe Life is on my side or I don’t.

And if I believe Life is on my side then I do not need to worry overly much. And at this point in my life, I’ve seen enough to believe this truth having experienced its veracity many times.

Life is on my side.

And I’ve got a sweet old dog (whose breathing has thankfully relaxed in response to the pain pills I gave him) sleeping by my side. Trusting me with his love and care for this last part of his journey. He’s right to trust- his trust is not misplaced- as there is no way I would ever let him down.

My love is too absolute and whole; it strikes me that this is how Life loves us, except times infinity upon infinity. Sam can count on me; I will be there with him to the end, come thick or thin. Just as Life is there for us.

Even in uncertain times.