March marks 9 months on the island of Kauai. I have visceral feels and a felt-sense of this time last year, as this was the beginning of the end of life in Alaska and March-June were about to become these mad months of good-byes, letting go’s, and the exhaustive tasks of selling the house, closing my practice, and taking care of the tangible steps needed to move. I tire even thinking of it now.
At the time I had an unmet self I knew was waiting in Kauai along with a great curiosity for who I would become there. Now that I’m here I’m finding the answers to my questions through the process of simply living the change and continuing to give myself room to morph.
Identity is a funny thing; both fixed and fluid. We attach certain ideas to who we think we should be, even as each of strives towards growth and change. And growth, being what it is, has a way of occurring differently than we expected it to look.
I came to this island with a sense of who I was going to become over here, and I feel like it’s all moving in the right direction, but it’s happening at a different pace and in different ways than I expected. I think I expected to get here and “find my tribe” so to speak, and I’m slowly making friends, but I still don’t have a sense of belonging in the spiritual community as I would like.
Most days I find I still have that feeling of wandering on the fringe, unplugged and unseen, trying to make a name for myself, wondering if this crazy gamble of closing a practice to make a living as an intuitive is going to work.
The truth is that I want to be ahead of where I’m at. Whatever is going to come to pass hasn’t passed, and so I find myself in this strange sophomoric space of confusion and growing pains. I’ve had multiple starts and stops, bursts of energy in one direction where I’ll think- yes, this is it! This is my soul path. Only to find the energy leaves and I still feel a calling that either I’m not quite answering or isn’t ready to be fully answered quite yet.
The truth is that I am learning that spirit works at its own pace, soul callings have their own way of unfolding, and when you go against your own flow you only end up feeling thwarted and frustrated. Whatever I expected to step into over here is still a ways away, which doesn’t mean I haven’t still stepped exactly where I need. It can take awhile to shed the pieces of an old identity, even longer to integrate and allow life to bring you the new pieces that you need.
All in all, 9 months isn’t that long and in my impatient humanness I wanted to run before I could crawl. Kauai is teaching me patience, and the gifts of a good crawl, which will keep you closer to the earth, remind you how dependent you are on the ground that holds you up, and bring you to a space of humility, as you realize you were never really in charge to begin with.
Life is in charge. And while we are these magnificent beings who have an extraordinary ability to co-create on a creator planet- sometimes it’s okay to remember there is so much mystery. Surrender to something higher than yourself. Let yourself crawl for awhile and find the gifts. And allow Life space to be.
(Note: This essay is a future passage for “Transformations of The Sun,” the sequel to “Lamentations of The Sea,” due out October 2018).